Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Let me preface this by saying that I will use it for good and not evil.

Most likely.

You see, I recently discovered that I have a superpower.

Granted, I’m still learning how to harness, control, and focus it. But once I do, I will be like Tara Reid at an open bar.


In the past three months I’ve realized that whenever I get out of a car and close the door, I get shocked by a strong electro static discharge. This phenomenon happens in all cars and extends across state boundaries. Do you know what this implies? Do you understand the magnitude? The potential?

It means that my body is generating a powerful electrical current, capable of controlling cities and altering history.

Either that, or I need to use more fabric softener.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Forget that crap about Jesus feeding five thousand people with a few loaves of crusty bread and two fish. Today I witnessed a true miracle.

I stood in front of the vending machine and put in my seventy-five cents. I carefully pushed the coordinates that would relinquish little drops of heaven into my possession, otherwise known as Skittles.

I watched the corkscrew turn slowly. The bag of Skittles hovered on the precipice.

And then they both stopped.

My candy was poised at the edge. Would I have to send in another seventy-five cents to rescue it from limbo?

And then it happened.

Miraculously sensing that the candy had not dropped, the machine's corkscrew made another half turn, but in doing so, it dropped a second bag of Skittles.

People, mark your calendars. February 7, 2006. I'm dubbing it the Skittles Miracle.