Bryan Tipton

My calendar didn’t list it as a holiday, but I’m guessing today was Dumbass Driver Day. Is it me, or are drivers becoming progressively worse? Let me discuss a few people who annoyed me on my journey home.

• If your car is so impaired that you need to drive with your hazards flashing, stay off the highway. Back roads only. Tow truck preferred.
• If you're driving 45 mph in the left lane, you may as well build a blockade, because that’s what you’re doing.
• People who apply their brakes with the frequency of a hummingbird’s beating wings… stop it. You need therapy. Electro-shock therapy. Connected directly to your brakes.
• I won’t delve into people who simultaneously smoke and talk on their cell phone while driving. Let me just say that if I’m Dante, you’re in my ninth circle of hell. Along with all pigeons.
• There is an enormous difference between being lost and acting lost. Being lost allows you to discover new places. Acting lost will get you mugged. Possibly shot.

In the time it took to read this, a woman driving on Balboa Avenue just applied her brakes one hundred and seventy three times.